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poem re draft . 'No right to judge' please rate and comment?
No right to judge.
You told me a story as I looked in your eyes
Desperate and lonely on a cold winters night
From friendship and loving to crippling lies
Filled with dark threats and emotional bribes.
The bruises have all gone but the scars still remain
Trust is a stranger anger as love the danger
Through hardship and beatings you fought back pain
That left you with knife marks and clothing bloodstained.
The memories you share charge the atmosphere
Your vulnerability is on display
Fractured and tense your body shakes with fear
As you try in vain to hold back the tears.
I spoke a few words but my musings were confused
Don’t judge me you say you don’t have the right
It’s not me who should stand as the accused
It’s so hard to trust when you’ve only been used.
Edgar Noe 3/1/2011
Not my experience but part of one told to me.
The writing was good but I had to read it a few times over to get the jist of what was going on. You said that this isn't from personal experience and I can sort of feel that you are tense to not drift into other parts of the story because you are unsure of it yourself. Maybe you should write from personal experience and then compare it to pieces that you have written that aren't about you. Otherwise I thought the wording was great and the rhyming pattern was very interesting. I felt it added to the confusion of the narrater as to why the pain was inflicted upon them.
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