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what do you think of this paragraph in my story?
well, basically whats going on is a mother is really upset cause her daughter hates her, so i want to make her suggestivelyslit her wrists in the bathroom. does this make sense, and how can i improve it. thanks:
Kathryn was left outside, tears welling in her eyes. Her chest was throbbing, and her eyes were dry. Kathryn hurried to the kitchen, and rummaged through the drawers. She picked up a serrated knife shakily, and pressed it against the tip of her finger. A single bead of blood emerged from her skin. Kathryn tossed her head left, then right as if to make sure no one was watching. She shoved the knife into her jacket pocket, and proceeded to the bathroom.
Instead of putting in full detail about her cutting her wrists, I think it's a much better way to do it and you're not exactly saying she is, but it's subtle. One thing I don't understand is you say' Kathryn was left outside', but then she's obviously inside because she's in the kitchen... Also, you say 'tears welling in her eyes' and but then in the next you say 'and her eyes were dry.' Maybe change it around, to have it one way or the other.
I also have a few suggestions, if you don't mind. Most of you sentences have some writing, and then a coma followed by an 'and'. Mix it up a bit, not too much, but it'll make it a little easier to read and won't be so repetitive. Even if you just did:
Kathryn was left outside, tears welling in her eyes and her chest was throbbing. She (a lot of your sentences start with 'Kathryn', maybe mix that up a bit as well) hurried to the kitchen and rummaged through the drawers, picking up a serrated knife Shakily, she pressed it against the tip of her finger, a single bead of blood emerging from her skin. As if to make sure no one was watching, Kathryn tossed her head left, then right. She shoved the knife into her jacket pocket, and proceeded to the bathroom.
See, I didn't change any of writing, just rearranged it. That's just an example, because it's easier to show you like that than explain all of it. It's a little quick, so you could easily add in some more description for the amount of information you give us. But then, you may lose that suspense. Anyway, these are just suggestions, take them or leave them.
~Nicole.xx
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